Englisch Witze

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Voldemort can’t read Harry’s Potterface. # Harry Potter

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, „Awww, I wish my friends were here!“

Your mama is so fat, even dora cant explore her.

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I am sure, I have never met herbivore.

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane. Before the takeoff, one announcement came “This plane is made by your students” Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside. But the principal was sitting. One guy came and asked, “are
you not afraid”? Then the principal replied “I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

Your mama is so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

Your mama is so fat every time she sits down they add another country to the map.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

What is black and is stuck to a ceiling? A not very good electrician.

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?! 11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

Teacher: „You missed school yesterday didn’t you?“ Pupil: „Not very much!“

Your mama is so stupid, she thought seaweed is something fish smoke.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
Just switch off the lights.

The little camel asks his mother: Mum why do we have these big humps?
Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can drink.
And mum. Why do we have this large fur?
Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don’t feel cold.
And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.
Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot sand.
But mum. What the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?

Hi guys. I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you!!! Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.

Blonde: „What does IDK stand for?“ Brunette: „I don’t know!“ Blonde: „OMG, nobody does!“

I visited my EX girlfriend and she gave me food. After a few second their dog came in and started to jump over and I said “this dog loves visitors” A child replied, “No! No! Uncle, the problem is that you are using its plate”.

When I see lovers‘ names carved in a tree. I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it is suprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What do you give an armless child for Christmas? Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

Your mama is so stupid, the password needed 8 characters, so she put Snow white and the 7 dwarves.

A toast to those who wish me well, and all the rest can go to hell.

A: „Hey, give me your best dad joke!“
B: „Are you going to give it back?“
A: „Give what back?“ # facepalm

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.” The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

You know you’re ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. „You’re not allowed to pee in the pool!“ yells the lifeguard. „But everyone pees in the pool,“ said Little Johnny. „Maybe,“ said the lifeguard, „but not from the diving board!“

„I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television – up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid.” Ken Dodd

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Witch who?
Which Witch would you like it to be?

Why did the hipster fall through the ice? He went skating before it was cool!

Doctor to a patient: „I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?“
„The good one please.“
„I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live.“
„And the bad one?“
„I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.“

Your mama is so stupid, she stared at an orange juice container for 2 hours because it said concentrate.

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?” “Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
„But officer,“ the man began, „I can explain…“
„Just be quiet,“ snapped the officer. „I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.“
„But, officer, I just wanted to say…,“
„And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!“
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, „Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.“
„Don’t count on it,“ answered the fellow in the cell. „I’m the groom.“

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, “I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.” Then I said, “Turn Left”.

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

Today I saw two blind people fighting, then I shouted “I’m supporting the one with the knife”, they both ran away.

There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore, she swam 15 miles, drowned and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

„I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.“ „Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying!“

One man’s trash is another Man’s treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

Your mama is so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts „The coast is clear.“

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

„Oh daddy, I love you so much!“
„Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!“

Little Johnny’s father said, „let me see your report card.“
Johnny replied, „I don’t have it.“
„Why not?“ His father asked.
„My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.“

What is love? Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 sense And makes the person nonsense.

The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?” The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”

Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…

Mother:“ Keep that dog out of the house. It is covered in mud“
Kevin:“Keep out of the house, little dog. It is covered in mud“

“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.” Bill Murray

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said: „It is dark in here, isn’t it?“ The other replied: „I don’t know; I can’t see!“

Mom, why is my backpack so heavy? Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.

I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient. “Yes, just like you said, doc.” “And is the bronchitis gone now?” “Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.
Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!” She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?” Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”

At a first date: He: “I work with animals every day!” She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?” He: “I’m a butcher.”

Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, „What are you up to there, Mary?“

„My goldfish died,“ replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, „and I’ve just buried him.“
The neighbor was concerned, „That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?“
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, „That’s because he’s inside your cat.“

What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
Just the Rottweiler.

Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night. Beautiful night is, When you hug your teddy bear and sleep. Horror night is, When your teddy bear hugs you BACK

Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?“ „To the morgue.“ „What? But I’m not dead yet!“ „And we’re not there yet.“

A kiss makes my whole Day. Anal makes my hole weak!

Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?

Lena: “Darling, I really think it’s time we got another baby.”
Charles: “Oh I’m quite relieved you said that. The one we have is a real pain in the neck!”

“I keep saying I gotta start working out. But I just don’t have the time, which is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And watch TV. And get a bone density test. And try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.” Ellen Degeneres

How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
The blind start reading your face.

In Germany we don’t say „Ouch“ when we fall on an icy road at 7 am. We say: „Ab 6 Uhr morgens besteht eine Räum- und Streupflicht, ich werde sie verklagen!“ That’s beautiful!

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